Letter to Myself
My dear friend,
I’ve known you since you were very little. I carried you with me everywhere. Permanently. I held you close even in my sleep. You are that part of me who has darkened and saddened moments that could have been times of pure joy. Why? Because you didn’t let me trust myself, you killed my confidence. You swallowed my words. And my courage. And my pride. You suffocated me at night, clutching your heavy and invisible hands around my throat. You underestimated my femininity. You hindered me to fully live those moments of pure joy, to absorb them deeply in my whole being. For you always planted seeds of fear, doubt and mistrust in the corner of my mind. I loyally carried you with me everywhere and I’m the one who let you put me down, I allowed you to shadow me, to sadden me, to fill me up with needs that were fulfilled but I saw them empty and dry. I let you blind me with an exhausting darkness, I let you ruin my trust in me. You made me sacrifice myself, begging for love, but it was also you the one who didn’t let me see it and I allowed you to whisper in my ear in such a painfully deafening manner that I didn’t deserve it. But I also wronged you in my turn, my dear friend. I wronged you, for you had a pain and you tried through any means and methods to show it to me, but in my crazy rush for love, I never stopped to listen to you.
I never stopped, not even for a second, to understand why you were whispering those words to me and thus, I allowed you to cover me with your blackness and you took me to despair, to darkness, you crushed me and I let myself be trodden on, all hollow, petrified, numb and terrified inside. Only then, on the verge of madness, so angry at life and everyone, I desperately began to listen to you, to observe you beyond your harsh, painful and confusing words, to discover you and listen to your pain and suffering and to understand where they all sprang from. I noticed you. I grasped at you. I wanted to strangle you, curse you and to shout in your face I despised you. I wanted to run away, to any desolate corner. But no, instead I became aware of you, I looked you in the eyes with courage, I dared confront you. And I saw a scared child. And I saw a sad child. I saw a child with broken wings. I caressed you on the head and I repeated to you how much I loved you. And now I forgive you, I forgive you, my dear friend, with all my heart, for I have finally noticed you, but most importantly, I understood you. I now make peace with you, dear and beautiful child, unloved and not hugged, unappreciated and discouraged, beaten and lost.
You are a dear friend, I no longer hate you, on the contrary I thank you for all you have done for me, but it’s time I set you free. I set you free for I have found the roots of fears and plucked them out, I had the courage to understand where each doubt and evil sprang from and I drained their source. Each one of us has her own path now, my dear child whom I’ve carried in my ears and on my shoulders, it’s time to accept and love each other, but I, the new I finally understood what my path and purpose are, all thanks to you. Thanks to you, I managed to cross the long and blindingly dark tunnel, having a glimpse of the light at its end, after a long and exhausting road on which I desperately threw my hands everywhere as if trying to get hold of anything to switch a light on, but I was touching only cold and wet walls. But I didn’t give up.
I leave you behind, I leave you in the past, for now, a warm, loving, strong woman full of youth and yet wise maturity is ready to tailor a beautiful road, as she desires. For she has finally realised she is worth it. She is aware life is not la vie en rose, but she also knows that the sun always shines after every storm and that smile appears after every tear.
You too deserve to cross the long and dark tunnel, beautiful soul, for any tunnel, no matter how long it may seem, it has a light at the end of it. And it is very likely that this light is wonderfully bright, you just need to hope and believe: believe in yourself first of all.