Pride has prevented us many times to enjoy moments that could have been extremely beautiful and happy. The wounds didn’t let us hug each other warmly, for each of us bumped into them and felt their pain. Our egos led many fierce, “bloody” battles and left such deep wounds behind, so we no longer knew why our souls were so petrified. I learn from them, for I no longer want to let myself be subdued by your mistakes, just because it’s genetic.
I learn from them for my children, to rise above the evil, above the egos filled with fears, envy and resentment, which the deeper the wounds, the larger they become and feed on evil. I no longer allow myself fall from harsh words and insults, screams and diabolical grins. This isn’t me. Whatever you’d have called me, I no longer feel so, for I know who I am inside and only this matters for me now. Actually, I always knew but sometimes doubted it. These are life lessons for me, to become a better version of me. Maybe they were life lessons for you too, but you let yourself be put down by pain and were tired to fight.
I believe and understand you now, for I also fearfully felt some overwhelming fatigue when I wanted to give up. To give up everything. But I choose to promise myself every day to be a better, more mature and wiser human being. Almost nothing of what you were. Or of what you actually showed on the outside from wounds stuck on past and regrets. Anyway, if I give it a better thought, who were you? Mean? Kind? Believer? Diabolical? For my peace of mind, I choose to believe that you were kind, but you didn’t know how to make yourself understood and thus your actions and words were sometimes diabolical, for too many “demons” had gathered, which you gave up fighting against and sometimes they kneeled you and you remained there, powerless. I forgive you. I set you free. I forgave you. I’ve set you free. It was a tough fight. With you. But especially with myself. Sometimes with life itself. It was a tough fight to get here, but the path that opens before me must be continued, I shouldn’t go back. I won’t turn my head around even for a second. But if I ever do it, I’ll only look back without any negative feeling, but only to congratulate myself I’ve won. I’ve defeated the evil. In me. In you. In all those hurt.
I loved you. You were my mother. But I’ve also hated you. Oh yes, there were days when I hated you with my whole being and you made me feel so helpless. I wanted you to be my friend. I wanted you to hug me, to tell me all will be all right. That it will pass. I hated you because you were the adult who should have defended and protected me against monsters, evil people, the cunning wolf, but you chose to argue with me, to blame me for everything, to yell and desperately shout with crazy eyes and denigrate me.
But I forgive you. I, the adult of today, not the child in me. I’ve released the inner hurt child anyways, too. I’ve set her free a long time ago. I forgive you because you were a hurt soul too in your turn, a mind that was silently asking for help but couldn’t find it anywhere. You were on the verge of despair and nobody helped or understood you. Not even me. Or maybe I did, but others were in our way. Or pride. Or the ego. We all chose to put you against the wall, to point our fingers at you. And sometimes we hit you so hard! But we did it because it was hurting us, the soul was hurt inside of us, our meanness was kneeling us… this meanness that passed on from one generation to another like a virus that silently sucked the joy and love!
I set you free and I’ll try to remember our beautiful moments. I’m trying to find them somewhere in my memories. Or should I look for them in my soul?
*These lines were written about a year ago. About a few weeks ago when I decided to publish this article, things were to take a turn I’ll leave below:
MISSING A MOTHER, MISSING SO!
With tears in my eyes and peace in my soul
I’m watching you fly and letting you go.
And I keep thinking, my oh my,
We could have done many things, you and I.
Nothing can stop me any longer right now,
No evil could again make our souls bow,
Prevent us from joining in thought with no fear,
Cause now I see you as though you’re still here.
Now you’re free and there’s joy in your spirit,
Now you may wander wherever, I feel it,
Now you’re free and there’s no more pain,
Now you may guide us, so nothing is in vain.
Should you meet others in the world beyond,
Who’ve left us without uttering a word,
Tell them we forgave them and ask them also
To forgive us and watch over us in loving care so.
Now you’re ageless and beautiful again,
Hurt soul you were, people say like you I am,
And I, with a restful soul and in a soft voice
I repeat I forgave you and in peace I rejoice.
I promise you now, in wee hours of morning:
I’ll make peace among black clouds of mourning
So many years drowned in shivering egos,
With hearts torn by fearful tornados!
I’ll heal wounds with fear-frozen blood,
I’ll break the thick shell of petrified mud
Where patience was scattered in fire and dust
I’ll be the love neither you nor I could make last.
Don’t let hurts and fears dictate your life. Don’t feed the demon. Learn to courageously and lovingly say what you have to say, heal and appreciate every moment with your parents. There are many parents who have hurt or still hurt their children! Learn to forgive. For your peace of mind! Forgiveness doesn’t mean you consent with their behaviour or that you are tolerant or blind. Forgive, but without having expectations from others, without continuing to judge them through the filter of your own thinking pattern. No matter how much you want to sometimes, you can’t change anyone unless they do it themselves. And if they make changes, it might not even be where you expect it so that’s precisely why it’s healthy to get rid of expectations. Give a second chance to any person you think is worth it. By giving another person a second chance, you also give yourself a second chance. We live in a circle where people hurt us and we also hurt others in our turn, intentionally or unintentionally. Our goal is to dust off and be better and kinder, but we can’t be better if we cling to the past so tight! Life passes before our eyes with hurried steps sometimes! How do you choose to look at it? How do you choose to live it?